FINALLY AGAIN

Ok... so things with Marcus didn't work out... So Joel and I got back together... though thick and thin we've just been though so damn much..... He's cheated on me twice... but I oddly forgive him... But this time it's so much better... I've lost the weight... well some of it can't wait for the rest to come off... my birthday is this Saturday. I can't wait till I get home... I'm in California right now... I miss home so much. I miss him so much... I miss home so damn much. I can't wait to see him... wrap my arms around him and never let go. Five year mark hit a few days ago. It's been a very very crazy five years... but it's been a learning experience and it's been the best experience ever. I honestly don't know what I'd do with out him. I'd be so fucked... And most likely six feet under. He's been so cruel but to me it goes without saying why. He's doing it to help me understand and doing it for me to better myself and our relationship. I may have screwed up before... but I'm so glad we fixed it and got back together. I love him so much... As much as he pisses me off and as much as he hurt(s) me I can't ever leave him. Me and my silly addiction... but hey he's a cute addiction lol. He's going back in the military here soon... I can't wait for that... He's trying so hard and he almost has it... I can't wait only because he'll finally be 100% happy!!! And that is all I want for him.. Happiness... and I'm so glad that I can finally give it to him.... He deserves the best and I'm going to give him the best... that's why I'm losing the weight, and that's why I'm working on fixing myself. And I'M FINALLY PLANNING MY WEDDING AGAIN!!!! lol... though no date yet... but that's ok... at least I'll be prepared. :) Ok, so I'll end this with a I can't wait to be home back in his arms, and back home where I belong.

Finally

Well I did it... I'm finally happy... This man is amazing... he makes me smile, he makes my heart so much happier. He is in the military... obviously lol. Army Guard, FO (Funeral Operations). I hope he gets that recruiting position. I haven't met him in person yet, but I miss him soooo much!!! He knows how to make me smile, make me laugh, my heart loves this man so much. I love him too. Some say me moving on is too quick... but you cannot put time on love... when it happens it happens whether we want it to or not. He's absolutely amazing!!! My superman!! I cannot wait to take a nice walk through Shiloh National Military Park. It's one of my favorite places to go. So much history, and in the fall... it's kinda romantic. HAHAHA. We are going to have a small lunch and just talk and get to know each-other. I've never been this excited about someone... but this man... He is SOOOOOOOOOO perfect... There is nothing wrong with this relationship. I want this so badly... and he has already told me his heart is mine... I gave my heart to him a while ago... When I meet him i will try to write soooo much more. <3 Miss ya'll

oops

I did it again... I cut... it felt good... smiles and tears of joy, to feel that pain, the pleasure, the satisfaction of stress gone. not deep enough to do serious harm, but deep enough to satisfy the pain, and to satisfy the stress, taking my mind off of the problem. my motivation? my ex fiance... we haven't been separated for more than a month... and he's already dating someone else... A MINOR NONE THE LESS... nothing but verbal, mental, and emotional abuse... but my heart still loves him, why? well after 4 years and planning a wedding, it's hard to look past, my fiance before him promised me he'd come home and we'd get married... he was killed in action. It hurts so much for him to do this. but the pleasure and satisfaction of my newly found wounds take my mind off of the pain he caused me. no i'm not doing this to get attention... i was a recovered abuser... but i've gone back to it... i'm not doing it to commit suicide... i want a full life... for me this is a way to clear my head, a satisfaction of the pain everyone has caused me, a stress reliever... he told me if i ever did this again he'd leave me... well he's not with me to leave me... so why should i be concerned? as far as i know i'm dead to him... he left me... i did nothing wrong... but to him i've done everything wrong... he toys with my emotions, he fucks with my head... i want to hate him, but i can't do it... i love him, and why? because i have done nothing wrong, i love him more than he can ever know... i just wish he could see that... i've done everything i can... and for what? to be shot down, and to be heart broken, vulnerable, taken advantage of, he ruined me... and there is no one left to blame for this... besides him... i have witnesses stating i did nothing wrong, i just wish he saw that too.... i fucking hate him, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. because when i see him i smile on the inside, and i cry on the outside. i still get the butterflies when i see him, but when he asks i feel sick.i can't tell him i love him, because his response hurts too much. If only he knew that my life is more risky than his... i'm a bipolar, unmediated and it's controlled by my environment... you treat me right i treat you right... so as of right now i'm an emotional roller-coaster... i have my ups, my downs, my twists, and my turns. i wish i could hide, run away and hide forever, but i can't do that... i just wish the pain he caused me gets returned to him. that cold hearted bastard...

Finally

Well... My fiance and I have had such a rough time... we broke up got back together broke up got back together now after 2 weeks of this off and on shit we decided a swinger relationship is the way to go till we finish college... still be together but see and screw other people... he gets what he wants and I get what I want... I know it sounds trashy but I have him... what else could I want. I can tell you this... I do NOT want any STD's at ALL... He knows I'd kill him. Well my dreams of moving to the UK are put on hold... but eventually it'll happen... it's now just a matter of when. I plan on furthering my education with my BA for English or History and Education. As long as I can teach I'm a happy camper. So now what??? IDK what to do... all I know is I'm engaged but single... SO FUCKING CONFUSING!!! However it's what he wants so I'm not going to take that away... I refuse to tell my family that we are back together... and I refuse to tell his family that we're single... We are going to act like a couple around our good friends and his family, but friends around everyone else. UGH... won't be easy... but in order to keep him I HAVE to go by the rules... I FUCKING HATE RULES... but I'll suffer... as long as the emotional, verbal, and mental abuse stop I'm giddy :)

What I must do and who I must be...

Well, I'm not even sure where to start, I'm only going to share what I think should be shared. Joel and I have had recient arguements, and a lot was said and done, we pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm the issue... and now I have to be the perfect girlfriend. Ok not an issue, I just need to work on being that perfect girl. I don't want to keep or make him angry anymore... Anyone have any tips on how to be the perfect Fiancee? This is what had come up with
1)speak when spoken to
2)do as he asks
3)show him the respect
4)show him he's the boss
5)never argue for he's always right
6)tell him every time you can that you love him
7)make his bed
8)do his laundry
9)make his dinner
10)massage his body
11)follow threw with his requests
12)get his approval before going out with friends
13)keep him happy at all costs
14)make sure he approves
15)make sure you are presentable for his friends
16)stay out of his way
17)never bug him when he's working
18)never interupt him while he's playing videogames
19)ask him if he needs anything
20)only show effection when he asks for it or the moment calls for it
i want to be the perfect girlfriend and in following these rules i'm going to get the results i want... now i have to go, time to make his dinner.

Well

Well, i'm glad that i'm a good listener... a good friend of mine going through a rough time, i dont want to get into details, but i wish that i could make everything better.... like i posted on facebook:
"Have you ever wanted to do something for someone that just isn't possiable? Like fix all of their problems and make the happy??? I wish I could do that for someone right now.. when this person is upset I can feel and sence that and that makes me sad and upset to... but thats just a trait of a good friend I guess.... Wish I can be Ms. Fix~It. :("
i want to help and fix his issues... and for me that rearly ever happens... when he hurts i hurt when he's sad i'm sad..... whats sad is hes my fiances best friend and i know him better than he does..... i just hope things get better for him...

Sooooo much news

Well June 16, 2012 is my wedding date... we're doing it in TN! In a CHURCH! That is such a step up for him, I'm so proud. Wedding colors are Pink Black and Ivory. I'm getting a bonus and a raise at work and Joel is back on the premium shift. Which is great pay! Things are finally looking up. I'm getting back in touch with my high school sweet heart... i d k if that's a good thing of a bad thing... I'll find out. I know my wedding is a bit away but I've sent for wedding invitation samples and I'll be sending out save the date cards. I'm so excited about this wedding! I'm so glad that he has finally come around. I have much more I have to say but I have a massive headache, and I have to work soon... so I should try to get some sleep... I love you all!!! xoxoxo