oops

I did it again... I cut... it felt good... smiles and tears of joy, to feel that pain, the pleasure, the satisfaction of stress gone. not deep enough to do serious harm, but deep enough to satisfy the pain, and to satisfy the stress, taking my mind off of the problem. my motivation? my ex fiance... we haven't been separated for more than a month... and he's already dating someone else... A MINOR NONE THE LESS... nothing but verbal, mental, and emotional abuse... but my heart still loves him, why? well after 4 years and planning a wedding, it's hard to look past, my fiance before him promised me he'd come home and we'd get married... he was killed in action. It hurts so much for him to do this. but the pleasure and satisfaction of my newly found wounds take my mind off of the pain he caused me. no i'm not doing this to get attention... i was a recovered abuser... but i've gone back to it... i'm not doing it to commit suicide... i want a full life... for me this is a way to clear my head, a satisfaction of the pain everyone has caused me, a stress reliever... he told me if i ever did this again he'd leave me... well he's not with me to leave me... so why should i be concerned? as far as i know i'm dead to him... he left me... i did nothing wrong... but to him i've done everything wrong... he toys with my emotions, he fucks with my head... i want to hate him, but i can't do it... i love him, and why? because i have done nothing wrong, i love him more than he can ever know... i just wish he could see that... i've done everything i can... and for what? to be shot down, and to be heart broken, vulnerable, taken advantage of, he ruined me... and there is no one left to blame for this... besides him... i have witnesses stating i did nothing wrong, i just wish he saw that too.... i fucking hate him, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. because when i see him i smile on the inside, and i cry on the outside. i still get the butterflies when i see him, but when he asks i feel sick.i can't tell him i love him, because his response hurts too much. If only he knew that my life is more risky than his... i'm a bipolar, unmediated and it's controlled by my environment... you treat me right i treat you right... so as of right now i'm an emotional roller-coaster... i have my ups, my downs, my twists, and my turns. i wish i could hide, run away and hide forever, but i can't do that... i just wish the pain he caused me gets returned to him. that cold hearted bastard...