Well

Well, i'm glad that i'm a good listener... a good friend of mine going through a rough time, i dont want to get into details, but i wish that i could make everything better.... like i posted on facebook:
"Have you ever wanted to do something for someone that just isn't possiable? Like fix all of their problems and make the happy??? I wish I could do that for someone right now.. when this person is upset I can feel and sence that and that makes me sad and upset to... but thats just a trait of a good friend I guess.... Wish I can be Ms. Fix~It. :("
i want to help and fix his issues... and for me that rearly ever happens... when he hurts i hurt when he's sad i'm sad..... whats sad is hes my fiances best friend and i know him better than he does..... i just hope things get better for him...

Sooooo much news

Well June 16, 2012 is my wedding date... we're doing it in TN! In a CHURCH! That is such a step up for him, I'm so proud. Wedding colors are Pink Black and Ivory. I'm getting a bonus and a raise at work and Joel is back on the premium shift. Which is great pay! Things are finally looking up. I'm getting back in touch with my high school sweet heart... i d k if that's a good thing of a bad thing... I'll find out. I know my wedding is a bit away but I've sent for wedding invitation samples and I'll be sending out save the date cards. I'm so excited about this wedding! I'm so glad that he has finally come around. I have much more I have to say but I have a massive headache, and I have to work soon... so I should try to get some sleep... I love you all!!! xoxoxo

Well

A lot has happened... i was raped by my fiance... scary, but things are better now. Almost left him... thank god i didnt. New apartment, finally! and now it has gotten to the point where i now want a baby!!!!! but i dont see that happening. there is a possiability that my ovaries gave out. i want one bad... everyone around me is having them, and i'm the only one... i want to give him wut he desirves... but idk if my body will let me. one can only hope!

Tennessee....

Almost time to go. It's getting harder for me. I met a great guy who lives about 45 mins from where i will be staying. But I'm a committed woman and I won't cheat... I won't do it. idk maybe I'm over reacting...

well... i'm working on a better me... joel and i try to spend as much time together! and hopefully in feb we'll be staying the nite or two at a hotel just to get away... no phone calls... no nothing... it'll be nice :). i cant wait to get my new phone all active... Feb 9th it'll be up and running... soon real soon... less than a month away. and about 3 months and 7 days i leave for tennessee... i actually am kind of excited. 21 in june... YEEHAW!

GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE ROUGH!!!

I painted your room at midnight So I'd know yesterday was over I put all your books on the top shelf Even the one with the four leaf clover Man, I'm getting older I took all your pictures off the wall And wrapped them in a newspaper blanket I haven't slept in what seems like a century And now I can barely breathe Just like a crow chasing the butterfly Dandelions lost in the summer skies When you and I were getting high as outer space I never thought you'd slip away I guess I was just a little too late Your words still serenade me Your lullabies won't let me sleep I've never heard such a haunting melody Oh, it's killing me You know I can barely breathe Just like a crow chasing the butterfly Dandelions lost in the summer skies When you and I were getting high as outer space I never thought you'd slip away I guess I was just a little too late Just like a crow chasing the butterfly Dandelions lost in the summer skies When you and I were getting high as outer space I never thought you'd slip away Like a crow chasing the butterfly Dandelions lost in the summer skies When you and I were getting high as outer space I never thought you'd slip away I guess I was just a little too late Just a little too late :SHINEDOWN: My fiance and i are still together... but i cant believe i'm leaving for tennessee so quickly. i'm going to miss him so much, i'm going to miss so much! hes my ENTIRE world. i'd be so lost with out him he's brought so much to my life, i'm going to try to be here for his twenty-first birthday. and i'm excited on how the marriage will work out... wow June 23, 2012... so close yet so far... its amazing how things happen its a blessing from God himself... without him idk where i'd be... my god i'd be such a mess!!!! I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH! my world, my life, my breath, my air, my fire, my sun, my moon, my everything!!! GOD I LOVE HIM!!! i hope i made that clear. its going to be so tough when i'm gone... we've been together for almost 2 years... and to sleep on my own for a year and a half isn't easy... i'll have sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep... but i know in the end things will be ok... thank God. i'll pray everynight. pray that he'll be ok. god i cant believe i'm doing this... but it has to be done! it'll be for the better. :) fake a smile and all will be ok... i'll call and write everyday! send pictures... etc... god what am i doing? am i doing a good thing...? am i doing the right thing...?

LIFE is a battlefield

Well i'm moving to tennessee for a year and a half, my fiance is staying for his school, i'll have my drivers ID when i get back, a new career, a new body. and state of mind... i'm excited but iffy at the same time.............. LIFE is a battlefield.

Addressing the issue...

Well... things have calmed down for me... i found out that i'm bipolar... but i refuse the medication. i'm strong i dont need the medication. what i need is someone to talk to, and a way to vent. I've found music, and my gram, and actually the problem himself... my fiance. i love him to peices.... he's my lifesource... my joy... he's my everything. its just frustrating when you want him to listen and he doesnt. but hey he's a guy, cant expect too much. i've figured out just what i need. i'm moving to tennessee for a year and a half. he and i are just going to have to do what i did down there before, call and write all the time. its not like it's something new... i'm used to going down. and when i come back i'll be completely different. i'm more excited than i am worried. but hey... who am i to say that this wont work... i'm going down getting my cosmotology liceance, my drivers liceance, and i'm going to physically change...i'll be completely different. i'm actually kinda excited!

ok composure

Well.. after my last post... and i know it wasnt long ago... i learned something. I'm just over looking things a little too much. i've found my way through music... lol i know kinda crazy... but i found that its Nice to have a way from the crazyness around me... take for instance "The Crow & The Butterfly" ~Shinedown. its a song that i can go to and feel calm, feel indistructable. It makes me feel so much better, and i can concentrate, and connect with myself a bit better. its something that i can just escape to and still be there physically... just mentally i'm calming myself with that beautiful song. and "Call Me" also from Shinedown. they are a band i can almost relate myself to. its pretty amazing that u can have that kind of connection with and still be yourself... i know it sounds like i'm going nuts and i promise you i'm not... its just a new finding... but it makes me wonder... AM I CRAZY?

well

Trying to plan my wedding with out joel is getting very tough. we moved it AGAIN to June 23, 2012. its tough because he's never here he's working or i'm working or were arguing about something retarded, i try not to argue, but it just doesnt seem to stop. i love him to pieces, and i know he loves me but its getting a bit overwhelming when my future husband wont take part in this and when he does it turns into an arguement because he doesnt like the idea of a photographer or a caterer, and the colors are all wrong or something isnt right or i'm looking too much into it or i'm planning too early but what he doesnt realize is that i plan when i can and i know with work and college and him never being there its the only time to plan... i get as much in as i'm humanly able with in a day. and he makes it so difficult to sit in the same room sometimes and he thinks i'm being a bitch when i'm really not, i'm just trying to get myself out of a situation i just dont want to make worse. maybe i'm just thinking to far into things and maybe he's right maybe i am being a bitch. but all i know is that its not easy for one woman and with help from people who tell me its my wedding i can do wut i want... sometimes its just not enough. i need ideas... i need opinions, i need someone to tell me that its not the best idea tohave fake flowers, or that my dress is a disaster, but i have NO ONE TO TELL ME THAT! my mom's in tennessee with my brothers and my father who just had spine surgery, luckly that went well. and my brothers are growing up so fast and i have to miss it. and i feel guilty because i'm up here and i couldnt even see my brothers win their county championship for football. and i have dreams but something keeps stopping me from the military. i just want to be happy. is that so hard? i work work work... than its joel joel joel... time time time... school school school... but when is there time for me? am i being selfish? all i want is for things to finally go smoothly. this wedding to happen and be beautiful, and everyone to be happy... its just so frustrating when things are going on... and there is not time to fix them.